


It Wasn't Me

by revenblue



Series: [series] One Time Was All It Took For You To Two-Time, To Make A Mess Of Us [1]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: AU where Heinz didn't learn from his mistakes with Peter, AU where the boys know about Perry, Break Up, Candace also knows because I wanted some sibling bonding, Heartbreak, Infidelity, M/M, POV Third Person Omniscient, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, bad breakup AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:33:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26594494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: Perry the Platypus doesn't trust many people, but once he knows someone well enough he can't help it. Even if, for example, they had broken his little platypus heart andthwartedsomeone else, only promisingafterwardsto never do it again, as a completely hypothetical example had had definitely for sure happened.Alas, all his continued nemesisship would prove, in the end, was that he trusted too easily.
Relationships: Candace Flynn & Perry the Platypus, Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus, Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Pretendy the Practicepus
Series: [series] One Time Was All It Took For You To Two-Time, To Make A Mess Of Us [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1934614
Comments: 8
Kudos: 14





	It Wasn't Me

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a little sorry. ~~Not sorry enough to not write this.~~
> 
> Prequel to "I Just Wanna Tell You How I'm Feeling, Gotta Make You Understand". Tl;dr Heinz and his infidelity gives Perry an STD... of sorts.

Perry the Platypus doesn't trust many people. In his line of work, _trusting_ the wrong person is liable to get him killed. Or worse: _reassigned_. He's rather come to enjoy his life and the people in it, he couldn't bear the thought of losing them.

It wouldn't be correct to say he doesn't trust _anyone_. He _shouldn't_ , but once he knows someone well enough he can't help it. Even if, for example, they had broken his little platypus heart and _thwarted_ someone else, only promising _afterwards_ to never do it again, as a completely hypothetical example had had definitely for sure happened.

If he could trust his wayward nemesis again after _that_ , he believed, he could trust anyone and they'd live up to that. His faith in his _owners_ would certainly pay off.

Alas, all his continued nemesisship would prove, in the end, was that he trusted too easily.

But that comes later. Best to start at the beginning where, after _weeks_ of overt flirting, Heinz had convinced Perry to take their relationship where no nemesis had gone before: sex. Perry had been dubious at first, and yet, inexperienced as he was in both sex and romance, had elected to trust in Heinz's guidance and charisma, quickly warming up to the idea.

For a while, all goes well. Thwarting in bed turns out to not be all that dissimilar from thwarting on the laboratory floor, and Perry finds himself able to relax, secure in his relationship.

The agents of the Organisation Without A Cool Acronym, all having been spayed or neutered - whichever was relevant - at an early age, generally did not receive much of a sex education at all, let alone one tailored to their own species. What use could a "mere" animal have for sex, the speciesist policy-makers had reasoned, incorrectly, when procreation was off the table?

Perry the Platypus was no exception to this tendency.

And so, when Perry finds himself experiencing pain the likes of which he'd never before known, in a place only one person had ever really gone, the morning after he'd _definitely_ had sex, the connection between the two isn't immediately obvious to him. That, and he refused to consider the possibility that Heinz had somehow betrayed him.

Making an emergency appointment with one of the few animal doctors - _not_ a veterinarian - in Danville for later that day, he awkwardly danced around Heinz's advances in the meantime, escaping as soon as feasibly possible.

The appointment itself goes much better, from a certain point of view. His doctor immediately asked, upon hearing Perry's issues, whether or not the platypus has had unprotected sex recently. Perry's confusion prompts a kindly-meant but agonisingly awkward explanation of condoms and STDs, followed by a physical examination and testing, all so Perry could be more conscious of his sexual health in future.

Imagine the doctor's surprise when the physical examination reveals, not evidence of a fungal infection of some variety, but splinters. The doctor had never seen the like. Long, thin, spikes of wood, lodged in Perry's, er, intimate areas.

With an admonition from the doctor afterwards to make sure any wooden sex toys have been properly sealed first, Perry leaves, making his way home to think. His owners are waiting by the gate when he gets back and he waves, his intelligence no longer a secret after an unexplained previous incident in which Ferb and Phineas had discovered only that their pet platypus was not, in fact, a mindless animal.

O.W.C.A. policy had only forbidden host families discovering their pet's _job as a secret agent_ , not the animal in question's intelligence, a loophole Perry exploited with the help of a handful of cash passed to Carl the unpaid intern to "lose" the paperwork. After all, he didn't want his family to have to forget him again. Between Carl's _assistance_ , and his boys instantly accepting his shockingly unbelievable explanation for not telling them sooner, he'd come to feel secure in this, too.

As a result, he could now greet his owners as _equals_. That, and use the human toilet rather than his litterbox, Ferb and Phineas agreeing to cover for him.

Small comfort when he now had reason to doubt the person who'd made it all happen.

Curling up in his pet bed, so as not to arouse the suspicion of any adults in the household - particularly Linda - as they still did not and _could_ not know he was anything more than a mindless pet platypus, Perry tries to calm his thoughts. There _had_ to be an explanation, he knows. An inator, a trap, some poorly-made furniture. Anything but a new betrayal.

There he stews for the next few hours, tossing and turning, unable to settle his mind or his body. A single thought crystallises in his mind: that Heinz will have the answer.

To avoid awkward questions, he waits until everyone else has disappeared to bed, then slips out in his hoverjet. Wouldn't do to worry his family.

* * *

At Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, he knocks, waits, then lets himself in with the key Heinz had given him so long ago, rationalising to himself that they were... that their relationship went beyond nemesisship. Also they were nemeses. It was his _job_ to make sure Heinz wasn't getting himself into trouble, or causing trouble.

Muffled grunts fill the air as he approaches his nemesis's bedroom, sounds he tries not to recognise as _sex_. Surely his nemesis is still alone, he tells himself. Surely his nemesis _wouldn't_ hurt him like that, not again.

But, as he turns the corner to see through the wide-open doorway, he's faced with undeniable proof. There's Heinz, in a compromising position with an effigy of Perry, handmade out of materials Heinz had happened to have on hand. Pretendy the Practicepus. Perry can tell, because that's the name Heinz is moaning. Nominally a stand-in for Heinz to practice his monologues at, Pretendy has, tonight, become a substitute in another sense entirely.

Not for the first time, as Perry comes to realise, taking in the unsealed wood of Pretendy's teal-stained (and soon to be stained with, ahem, _other things_ ) body. Which explained the splinters. Tears well up in his eyes and he must have made a noise, for Heinz looks up.

"I can explain," Heinz says, quickly, knowing he only has a short time to fix this before Perry's trust is irrevocably broken.

Perry, reluctantly, _doesn't_ turn and leave for the last time - not yet - instead letting himself be rooted in place by the promise of a reason to trust again. There has to be some sort of innocent explanation. Surely he can still trust his nemesis, so he waits to see how Heinz explains himself.

And so, Heinz does, in the process saying the exact wrong thing: "It wasn't me." A phrase that completely contradicts the sight in front of Perry's tearful eyes.

A pained cry erupts from Perry's throat as he turns and flees, putting the sight, and his nemesis, behind him. That this was _technically_ not _thwarting_ didn't matter to him at this moment. All he cares about is that Heinz hasn't bothered to _change_ , to consider Perry's feelings for once in his life, to make any sort of effort.

Obviously, he'd been a fool to trust Heinz again. Obviously, Heinz had destroyed what hope he had for something better. Obviously, like his stories always said: _once a cheater, always a cheater_.

Perry wouldn't be clear-headed enough to remember this until he returned home, upset with himself in the meantime for _trusting_. For believing Heinz's lies. For not noticing earlier. It's often easier to blame oneself for ending up in such a situation than to put the blame where it belongs: on the cheater, for cheating.

Until then, the autopilot in his hoverjet set for home, he cries his little platypus heart out for what he's now lost.

* * *

Returning home, he goes straight to the freezer, pulling out a long-forgotten tub of dairy-free ice cream and a spoon. Candace would forgive him.

And so, on the way back to his lair to catch up on his stories and grieve for the relationship he'd never really had, who should he run into but Candace herself? Luckily for his cover identity, she'd been present for the aforementioned unexplained reveal, and had similarly escaped having her memory of the incident wiped. All that's really changed, on her end, now that she knows, is that she now considers him the same as her two human brothers: a pest.

She's about to snap at him, the way she would her "annoying" younger brothers, when she sees his tear-stained face and the ice cream clutched tight in his paws. "Did something happen?" she asks instead, receiving a small nod in response. "Your girlfriend- no, _boyfriend_ , right. He broke up with you? Worse? Come on, I'll put on a movie and you can tell me _all_ about it."

* * *

The next morning, Perry, unable to bear the thought of facing his so-called nemesis in combat even one more time, travels all the way to OWCA HQ on his own time and submits his request for reassignment to Carl, along with another pawful of cash to get it processed immediately. And, for the low low price of abusing his credentials to get into the payroll system to give Carl the paycheck the kid had so greatly deserved, got himself a day off as well.

After all, it takes time to get over a broken heart.

He spends the rest of the day with his family, the two boys he's grown to adore as _siblings_ , participating in their adventures as an equal. Even Candace joins in, at his quiet pleading.

The result is better than he could ever have imagined. Though the pain is still raw in his heart, Perry bears an open smile on his usually-stoic face, surrounded by his family. Right where he belongs. Trust may be hard to come by, may be easily broken, but Ferb and Phineas and Candace have more than earned his undying loyalty.

From then on, he resolves to get at least one day off each week, for some semblance of a work-life balance. And, with Carl on his side, he _would_.

* * *

Heinz finds out via gift basket.

Not just any gift basket. Perry had, as part of bribing Carl, requested the man receive a gift basket filled entirely with rice pudding in assorted colours and flavours, even contributing another pawful of his own money towards this cause. A parting gift, he called it.

That Heinz utterly despised rice pudding was none of his concern, not any more. He was done giving the man the consideration he himself had not received.

As expected, Heinz won't take this news well. He never does. Unfortunately for everyone involved, his response, rather than weeks spent agonising over his own responsibility in the situation, will be to take the form of the man calling on his contacts with the local backup dancer union with an elaborate plan to put on a musical number and win Perry back, [but that's another story](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13570794).

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [It Wasn't Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTMgX1PDGAE) by Shaggy.


End file.
